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Mr. Wrench is not doing movie reviews because he's under the impression that's he's some great movie critic , although he is... It's just that there have been so many shitty movies that have gotten good reviews. And it seems as though no one is willing to talk shit about the ones that really suck!

The following movies are rated on a scale of 1 - 5 'Allen Wrench Insignias'

Message from Allen Wrench:
Hello Everybody. The following movie reviews are written after I've seen the movie in a theater, or at home on DVD. I'm not really going to put them in any order other than alphabetical. Read on and see if you agree with my alcohol induced opinion!

 

NEW REVIEWS!

We Were Soldiers

Directed: Randall Wallace
Starring: Mel Gibson, Barry Pepper, Bruce Willis, Greg Kinnear, Sam Elliott
Rating: [ 2 out of 5 ]

There seems to be a pretty good rash of war movies out right now. And I like it! The only problem is that none of them seem to be able to attain the power and $ucce$$ of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. $aving Private Ryan was a great movie, and these I would rate as... good enough. Every time I talk about WE WERE SOLDIERS I also seem to talk about HARTS WAR at the same time. I'd say they were both on about the same level, even though their stories are a little different. I may as well just compare both of them...

STARPOWER: BRUCE WILLIS - definitely cooler than Mel Gibson. Gibson... you were the king in the Mad Max movies (even though BEYOND THUNDERDOME was BEYOND CRAPPY), and BRAVEHEART was an excellent effort. In We Were Soldiers... the coolness just didn't come through.

ACTION: More cool violent war action in WE WERE SOLDIERS. Although you have to cut some slack to HARTS WAR, because it takes place in a POW camp. But the action in WE WERE SOLDIERS does not come close the the realism of SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

STORY: HART'S WAR kicks 'SOLDIERS' ass on this one. Hart's War ends up as a courtroom drama preaching on the pretentious, played out, and really lame topic of racism and equality, but the acting is great and the suspense is good.

In 'SOLDIERS' They're really hyping the fact that this was the first American offensive in the Vietnam war. No Offense to anyone, especially the Vietnam vets... but I have no idea why this is a big deal. In the movie this fact didn't seems impressive, so I felt no importance regarding this while watching.

'SOLDEIRS' did attempt 2 good things. One was a realistic portrayal of 'the wives at home'. But the bottom line is... it's a fucking war... people die. I want to remind everyone here that I'm a fierce pro military republican. I'm not liberal in any way, and I hate all hippies. But I find it interesting when an American wife finds out that her husband is dead and you're supposed to feel sorry for her. But what about the wives of the guys on the other side. Usually in the movies, when the American guy dies, he takes 10 or 20 of the enemy soldiers with him. What about those guys? Anyway, I'm glad we prevailed in Vietnam. REMEMBER... North Vietnam did sit down and sign OUR peace treaty.

One of the things I did like was the portrayal of the North Vietnam COMMIE GOOKS! If you think about EVERY American Vietnam war movie you've ever seen, the enemy is always portrayed as some stupid no shoe wearing, half naked, 4 grains of rice eating weirdo. In this movie the enemy is portrayed as an intelligent well armed well stratagized army, with a very able commander. I found that this did add to the realism.

The other thing that I liked was when an American soldier went out to try and save a fellow soldier that had been shot. The guy trying to help gets wacked! I hate when movies show dumb heroism such as a Forrest Gump type funning into enemy territory and saving 8 guys and living. But I have to admit, if I was shot, I'd want one of those dumb asses to come and save me.

OVER ALL RATING: don't waste your money! Wait for this one to come out on video!

I don't know what it is, but I just find it hard to be mean to Arnold. But, after making a movie like this.... I have no other choice. This thing fucking sucks in every way. Although it's not as bad as his last movie ( The Sixth Day ), it really is a lame ass effort. Hollywood recently has gotten into the habit of trading good scripts for big special effects budgets. It's not working. Your 8 year old kid mike like this movie, but then again your 8 year old kid also like the rugrats. This move is a total bomb. I just barley didn't feel ripped off by watching it in the theater. I'm just happy that I went at the cheaper time and pays the matinee price. I don't think I can recommend this as a rental.

 

Hart's War
Directed: Gregory Hoblit
Starring: Bruce Willis, Colin Farrell, Terrence Howard, Cole Hauser, Vicellous Shannon
Rating: [ 2 out of 5 ]

You've got to admit... Bruce Willis makes some pretty good movies, although Die Hard seems to be the best thing he's done. But his action movies always seem to be worth while. This movie is just ALMOST worth watching. I think the makers of this movies thought that it would end up being more than what it is. There's a lot of pretentious nonsense in here. For example: the bad nazis of course, the brave Americans, and the new twist to Hollywood WW2 movies: RACISM! The story is about a bunch of noble American POWs in a WW2 nazi POW camp. 2 black American air pilots are brought to the camp and then the movie tries to shock you as much as possible with the use of the word NIGGER. At first the movie is not very imaginative, but the story does get interesting as it goes on. Not a lot of war action, but I would say it's a pretty good movie. I almost gave it a score of 3, but just couldn't do it. This would be an excellent rental.

 

Queen of the Damned
Directed: Michael Rymer
Staring: Aaliyah, Stuart Townsend, Marguerite Moreau, Claudia Black, Vincent Perez
rating: [ 1 out of 5 ]

I don't want to be that much of a dick, because I knew this movie was going to suck before I went in to watch it. And yes it does suck. The vampire Lestat returns as an obviously made MTV star. As if the MTV TV station wasn't able to clue you in, with all of its shitty programming, that they have no idea of what 'cool' is... this portrayal of what's 'cool' is clueless. I was actually surprised about how lame, as well as ugly, the Aaliyah girl is. The vampire action in this movie sucks, and so does everything else. Like I said before, I can't say that I felt ripped off because I knew what I was in for before I went. The Lost Boys rules, this one is really bad.

 

Snatch
Director: Guy Ritchie
Starring: Brad Pitt, Benicio Del Toro, Dennis Farina, Vinnie Jones, Rade Sherbedgia, Jason Statham
rating [ 4 out of 5 ]

I know this came out a while ago, but I just saw it. Man... no wonder this guy's fucking Madonna! GREAT story line! GREAT cinematography! This things a fucking winner and a must have all the way around! It's one of those movies that seems to be almost 'too popular' (in a pretentious way). But fuck, this thing rules! It makes me seriously consider Quintin Tarantino as the king of weird situations and violent movie making. Well fuck... the Brits have kicked Hollywood's ass with this one. Bitchin portrayal of dirtbags and reality violence. The only place this seems to falter is with the British Black criminals. It's the accent. You just don't get the feeling that these guys are any big threat with their polite British accent. While it wouldn't make my Top 10 list... This movie is a serious contender for my TOP #10 - 20 list of Greatest Movies of all time! See this movie!

 

Supertroopers
Directed : Jay Chandrasekhar
Starring: Steve Lemme, Kevin Heffernan, Jay Chandrasekhar, Paul Soter, Erik Stolhanske
Rating: [ 2 out of 5 ]

I went and saw this out of total boredom and was under the impression that it was going to suck bad. It was really weird but... this movie is shitty but enjoyable. I would say that this is a really good first effort, if that's what it is. Another strange thing is that this movie appears to be made for 'white people'. And being a white person... I did find it barley entertaining. It seems as though the most recently made moves, comedies and otherwise, always portray the cops as 'the bad guys'. This unassuming flic is basically about a bunch of highway patrol guys fucking around all day, that eventually have to save their jobs because their station is being shut down. There are a lot of 'hardass cop' types that are able to laugh at themselves. I looked like this movie was a lot of fun to make. But be warned... don't think you're going to see The Empire Strikes Back. I'd say that this would be a rental to consider.